DS Review: My Little Baby

In the many games out there aimed towards little girls made for the DS, you'd be amazed at just how many of them evidently are trying their damndest to train them from a young age onward into domesticity; something you don't see happening when you play games that are aimed at boys. (Usually. I'm sure that there's an exception or two here or there, but that's about it.) As such, it's no surprise that there's a ton of 'baby' games out there....such as the one that I'm going to be reviewing here. Didn't have very high hopes going into it, and as it turns out, looks like I was right.

Upon first booting up the game (and not just on the first load, oh no - you get this little reminder every single time you load the game), you'll be treated to an animation sequence of 'your' baby developing in utero as a fetus up to delivery day - which VERY thankfully is not shown - and you're handed this baby. Not as a newborn....as a three month old. (I don't know why either.) Your doting nanny gives you helpful hints and pointers along the way...wait, let's focus on this for just a moment. Nanny? If you have a nanny for your child, why the hell is this even a game? Shouldn't the nanny be doing all of this for you?! (You know I'm right.) Strike one!

As you'll quickly find out, you have many necessities you'll need to buy for your baby...and very little money. Oh, so little money that you burn through very quickly and only earn as a pittance at a time. About $20 a day, if I'm not mistaken. Doing what? I don't know! You just get it at the beginning of each day. Regardless, you'll learn fast that this won't get you very far on its own, which I suppose is good training in regards to life skills, but I digress. You'll see your VERY ugly baby. Yes, I said it. The baby's UGLY. It doesn't matter what sort of 'parental' info you put in for the biology of this child; at best, your baby will look like a miniature version of Bert Lahr. (For those not in the know, he's the man that played the Cowardly Lion in "The Wizard Of Oz". Look him up.) This is totally a case of a kid having a face that only a mother could love. Perhaps because you're not the real mother, that's why it's not cute? I don't know.

Regardless, you'll be presented with a map of your house. You can go out in the garden, the playroom, the nursery, bathroom, or the kitchen. Each place has its own activities that are unique to that location. Well, almost. Most of the things you can do in the nursery, you can do in the garden, and vice versa. About the only difference is that when the baby gets a little older, there will be a swing out there that can only go outside, and obviously can't take indoors. The kitchen is where you prepare the bottles and/or the baby food and then drinking/eating, the nursery is for dressing your baby and putting it down for naps and sleep, the garden and playroom are for playing in, and the bathroom is for, as you probably have surmised by now, bathing. (And diaper changes.) What an exciting life, right? You can also go to the shops, but, as you hardly have any cash at any one given time, it's usually just sitting there on the map, mocking you in the face and reminding you that you're a poor parent for not being able to provide them with everything they want and need. And indeed, there WILL be times when you can't even provide for your baby's most basic needs, and they'll get sick as a result. Guilt trip much?! Then the doctor has to make a house call, which you ALSO won't be able to afford, and a random family member will have to pitch in and foot the bill for you whilst reminding you that you need to mind your money better. (Jeez. As if I don't already get enough of that in real life?)

99% of this game will be horrible, boring monotony day in, day out. At least in real life, as your child grows, they'll become more spontaneous and keep you amused as a parent! Not here. This game out to be a mandatory teaching tool in high schools to try and scare kids out of teenage sex. "This WILL be your life if you get pregnant." Seems decent enough to me! Then there's the rare teaching experiences, where you get to teach your baby to crawl, balance, and walk. These last for about a minute.

Then there's the 'wtf' factor at play. For instance, anyone with even half a brain knows that you do NOT feed a baby honey. EVER. That's a HUGE no-no that I thought was just common sense. Oh, it's out the window in this game! It's a SOOTHER. What the HELL?! You can't do that! Oh, but they do, they do. And don't have a lick of guilt about teaching young girls all over the world that this is okay. Also, once your baby is crawling, if you ignore it for a few minutes, it'll try sticking its finger in an electrical socket. What sort of an idea was THAT to put into a game like this?! There's so many weird little things like that. But, it's always the nanny pointing it out to you, which again brings up the point - if the nanny is ALWAYS around and watching, why don't they just look after the kid themself and let me get on with my life? I didn't hire them for nothing, after all!

Here's another pet peeve of mine: did I mention you don't even get jarred baby food? Oh, no. You have the pleasure of COOKING the baby food yourself. Isn't that a pleasant little joy? Now, how many parents honestly do this, show of hands? Okay, that's none.... now, how many of you parents who have nannies for your children do this? ....Mmhmm, that's what I thought. NONE. Why is this in the game?! It's a waste of time!

The element of time drags on PAINFULLY slowly in this game. It took me literally weeks of playing this stupid thing just to get my baby to hit a year old. And guess what? Suddenly, the age jumps from 1 to 3, and now baby's in preschool and you get a NEW baby! YAAAAAAY!.......actually, gag me with a spoon, I'm NOT ABOUT TO DO THAT AGAIN. I shut the game off, didn't bother saving or anything. This, sadly....was a humongous mistake. Why is that, you may ask? Well, while in my mind, I'd made the assumption that whenever your babies grow up and go on to preschool, you just get a new baby and this whole game is an endless loop, to be played over and over until you get bored of it. Well. While I was grabbing the box art from Google for this post that I'm writing right now, I discovered that apparently, your older child isn't gone. Oh, no. I could've played with them too....except that I didn't save, and there's no way in hell I'm going to play that game through *again* just to see what it might do when this entire game had been nothing but mind-numbing monotony to the point where I want to SCREAM! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (....feel better? Yes. I feel better now.)

The whole experience, even minus that last part, is maddening. And not in a good way. I can't see myself ever truly recommending this game to anybody unless if it were an act of complete and utter sadism. This game gets a rating of 4 out of 10 milk bottles.